Monday, January 18, 2038 Lately, I've been reading about salmon. Adult salmon swim upstream thousands of miles to return to the place they were born. Because their objective is to reproduce, they stop feeding, their stomach disintegrates, and instead all their fat stores go to producing eggs and sperm. Only the fittest salmon make it to the spawning grounds. And I realized, postdocs are just like salmon.

And this postdoc is tired of swimming upstream. I recently submitted a manuscript to RedBull - 1 year and 1month of being in this postdoc. I think that that's not bad. Although, it needs a week or so more of rewrites, it's very close to submission. And yet RedBull is still acting crazy. In part, because one aspect of the manuscript involves my expertise and not hers. With this latest submission I now have 8 publications (1 in a journal with an impact factor of 12.916) and so I think yes I should be in a really good position to get an academic position, right?

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But as I said, postdocs are like salmon. There are plenty of us and only the fittest make it to the spawning grounds. And sometimes having to jump across that extra waterfall is enough to exhaust your efforts.

Especially when many other salmon find themselves with supervisors who are genuinely supportive. So this is a crossroads for me in a couple of ways. The first in terms of my career. I've applied for half a dozen tt positions and am in the process of applying for an equal number of industry positions. The new year will bring new things - all of which I am open to. The second is in terms of this blog. I've found it incredibly useful to rant and bitch about the ridiculous and absurd nature of academia.

And lately to my friends, I've been referring to my current postdoc as a second brain tumor. And it is, in many ways, most of all because it has forced me to take a hard look at my life. It has now been exactly 2 years since I was diagnosed with the brain tumor. And despite promising myself to change my lifestyle, I haven't. [I advise you squeemish readers to click on another link because I'm about to go all buddhist.] I'm not talking about eating healthy and exercising. I do all of that. I'm talking about taking my emotional and spiritual health seriously.

RedBull, is exactly like a brain tumor [and I actually mean that in the best way possible, I know it sounds ridiculous but bear with me]. She has forced me to look at my own behavior and how I interact with others, in particular with narcisstic academics whose insecurity and fragile ego drives them to behave irrationally [excuse the bitch slip]. I am, however, not completely without blame. It's why I entitled the blogpost, 'Poking a barking dog with a big stick.'

If you poke a barking dog with a big stick, it's gonna bite. I think that I have been guilty of poking the angry RedBull. Probably not always consciously. But reflecting on the last few weeks, I realize that I could have handled the situation very differently - if I hadn't been so tied to my ego.

Words like 'No, actually the correct way to do X is Y' could have been replaced with 'In my experience, I have found Y works.' But like many a postdoc I want my expertise and experience to be recognized so I bark just like all the other dogs. But frankly, it's boring. And for me potential is just not enough to carry a relationship forward. In the words of Ellen Daniel, 'There are no politics as vicious as academic politics, because the stakes are so small.' [This is from a book called Every Other Thursday - it is a must read for every woman in science.] And this about sums up the last few weeks with RedBull. Plus, I'm no longer that interested in the academic struggle as the focus of discussion.

Instead I have started to drift towards wanting a place to discuss buddhism and my struggle to find something from it [not really nirvana or enlightenment because I think that that is about as real as the imaginary friend upstairs]. Our society is so focused on the 'what.' What are you going to do when you're done your PhD? What do you want in life? What are your goals? And now for me, it seems to be about the 'how.'

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How do I want to be in the world? As many of you have noticed, I've changed the title of the blog because it signifies a change in direction. I want a space to explore and discuss the philosophy of buddhism and how it connects to my life in science. Of course, it doesn't mean the bitch won't come out to play [regularly]. With the change in direction, however, comes a new blog and a departure from Labspaces. You might say that both the bitch and the buddhist need their own space.

So dear reader, if you want to find me, I'm afraid you'll have to do a little bit o' work. This post has been viewed: 70697 time(s) Tags. Yap the write-up is quite well. But you should also know this: 1. Become steady.